


Slipping Through My Fingers

by Topaz_Eyes



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: 1950s, Beach Holidays, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Last Time, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Novelette, Period Typical Attitudes, Pre-Canon, Summer Vacation, Yuletide, Yuletide 2020, the boys are seventeen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28147221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topaz_Eyes/pseuds/Topaz_Eyes
Summary: At some level, Charlie had always known Neil was not his to keep.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Neil Perry
Comments: 14
Kudos: 28
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Slipping Through My Fingers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brampersandon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brampersandon/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide!

It was the last day of school for junior year at Welton Academy, and Charlie and Neil were waiting for their parents to pick them up for the summer.

“Summer school? _Summer school_? Are you kidding me?” Charlie’s mouth dropped in utter shock, trying to wrap his mind around Neil’s news about his summer plans.

“Father wants me to get ahead in chemistry this year,” Neil replied blandly. He sat on his suitcases and scanned the school’s driveway for any sign of Mr. Perry’s Buick pulling up to the entrance.

“You got all As this year! Including chemistry! You are the last person who needs summer school.”

“You remember how hard chemistry was at first. Father just wants to make sure I have a firm grasp on it for next year. I’ll need chemistry for med school.” Neil shrugged one shoulder.

“What are you going to do for fun then?”

“I can catch up on my reading.” Neil put his hand up to shield his eyes. “Father’s arrived,” he added, and stood up straight as the car entered the grounds and approached the green.

Charlie shook his head, his mind whirring. It was bad enough they wouldn’t see each other for two and a half months, but summer school? Neil wasn’t going to get any chance to relax this year. He thought quickly as he looked again for any sign of his own father who would pick him up.

“Come with me to Maine this summer,” he said. “We have a summer house in Old Orchard Beach. Lots of room and a private beach too.”

Neil shook his head, not even appearing to consider it. “That’s impossible.”

“Why? You can spare a few weeks, right? When does your summer school start?”

“July sixth.”

“That’s great! We’re driving out tomorrow, and it’s still early enough in the season, it won’t be too crowded yet.”

Neil stood up, his arms crossed against his chest. “Slick, I’d love to go, but – Father will say no if I ask. So why should I bother trying?”

“You don’t have to ask him, I will.”

Neil snorted outright. “Oh come on, he won’t listen to me, what makes you think he’ll listen to you?”

“Then I’ll talk to my dad. He can ask your dad, and he’ll convince yours to let you come.”

Neil brightened for all of two seconds before his face fell again. “Charlie, I don’t think--”

“My dad always says, ninety percent of success is who you know, not what you know. Your dad wants you to be successful, right? That’s what you’ve always told me.”

“Yes, but--”

“Will your dad really say ‘no’ to Charles Hiram Dalton Senior, President and CEO of Dalton First Financial Bank, when he asks him personally to give you permission to accompany me to Old Orchard Beach this summer?” Charlie placed his hand over his heart.

“He’ll think I somehow put your dad up to it because I don’t want to go to summer school.”

“Who does want to go to summer school? Nobody! My dad’ll make sure that the invitation is at his behest. And there he is,” Charlie said, pointing at a gleaming black 1959 Cadillac Coupe deVille. “Hey, that’s a new set of wheels! Wicked!”

“Wait a minute. Your middle name is Hiram?”

Charlie snorted. “So what? My last name’s Junior.”

Neil gawked at him, then shook his head, face clouded with doubt. “If this works--”

“It’ll work. Trust me.”

“Hello, son,” Mr. Perry announced from behind them, and Neil jumped. “Hello, Charlie.”

Neil cleared his throat and turned to him, smiling tightly. “Hello, Father.”

“Hi, Mr. Perry. Neil, I’ll be right back, gotta ask Dad something, okay? If you’ll excuse me, sir?” Charlie said, picking up his bags, and loped over to where his father had parked.

Charlie quickly explained the situation, and in only a minute or so, Mr. Dalton returned with him, his hand already extended in greeting. “Tom Perry! Good to see you again! How’s Ruth?”

“Well hello, Chuck, the pleasure’s mine.” The two men shook hands and Mr. Dalton clapped Mr. Perry’s shoulder. “Ruth is doing much better, thank you. How’s Helen?”

“She is as stunning as always.” Mr. Dalton glanced over at Neil and Charlie who stood at the side, nervously waiting. “Listen, Tom, I’d like to ask you something that involves the boys.”

“All right. Neil, please take your bags to the car and wait there for me,” Mr. Perry said. “Your mother’s waiting, and she has been looking forward to seeing you.”

“Yes, sir,” Neil said, picking up his suitcases, and he headed towards the family Buick. Charlie dawdled and listened in, trying not to make himself too obvious that he was eavesdropping on his father’s and Mr. Perry’s conversation.

“Charlie just told me Neil has done spectacularly well this year in his classes,” Mr. Dalton began genially. “Looks like he will be class valedictorian next year.”

“He’s done very well, yes.” Mr. Perry looked pleased. “His mother and I are very proud of him.”

“As you should be! I want you to know, Charlie’s greatly improved his marks this year too. And I have no doubt that’s because of Neil’s steady influence and thorough tutoring with his studies. Helen and I are very glad they were assigned roommates this year.”

“That’s wonderful news, Chuck,” Mr. Perry replied, and nodded at Charlie. “Congratulations, Charlie, well done.”

“Thank you, sir,” Charlie replied with a quick, pleased grin.

“We want to thank Neil properly for all of his help, Tom. With your permission I’d like to invite Neil to spend some time with us at our summer home in Maine starting tomorrow.”

Mr. Perry’s mouth twitched downwards, and he drew a breath. “That’s a very generous offer, Chuck, and I thank you. But Neil’s registered for summer school in preparation for senior year. He can’t afford to miss it. And this is admittedly extremely short notice--”

Mr. Dalton interrupted, “I understand, and I completely agree. I also believe that Neil deserves a reward from Helen and me for helping Charlie so much. Especially in English and history. He has a shot now at the Ivy League and you know how important it is that the boys get into the best schools. I understand summer school starts in July?”

Charlie watched with satisfaction out of the corner of his eye as Mr. Perry visibly squirmed. “Yes, uhm, July sixth,” Mr. Perry stammered, “But I--I think we can manage to work out something in the meantime to allow Neil to visit.”

“Excellent! We will be pleased to host Neil. If you’re worried about his well-being, I promise there will be adequate supervision of Neil’s and Charlie’s activities.”

Charlie looked down and smirked, glad that neither his father nor Mr. Perry could see it.

“I—I have to talk to Headmaster Nolan for a minute right now, but I will let you know as soon as I talk with his mother. She’s waiting in the car. You said you were leaving tomorrow?”

“Yes, we’ll pick him up from your house if that’s all right.”

“Right then. If you can give me ten minutes, I’ll get back to you with our answer.”

“Wonderful. I’ve been meaning to have a look around the old stomping grounds anyway. Looking forward to having Neil visit.”

“Of course.” Mr. Perry took his leave, hurrying over to the front steps of the main campus building where Headmaster Nolan presided over the summer departures. Charlie looked up hopefully at his father.

“Dad, do you think--?”

Mr. Dalton nodded and clapped his shoulder. “I think so. For a few days at least. Now since we have to wait for Mr. Perry to get back to us, you can show me around a bit.”

“Sure.” They walked off to look at the river to wait.

Fifteen minutes later, they had wended their way back from the boat launch to the parking lot so Charlie could examine the new Coup deVille, when Neil came running up to them. “Mr. Dalton, thank you so much, my father just told me you invited me to go to your summer home! He’s given me permission to go for two weeks!” he said breathlessly.

Charlie whooped and punched the air. “That’s great! We’re thrilled to have you visit, Neil,” Mr. Dalton replied. “It’s the least we can do to thank you for all your help with tutoring Charlie.”

Neil positively beamed with the compliment. “It was my pleasure, sir,” he said.

Charlie smirked with a knowing grin. “I bet it was,” he muttered under his breath.

“We’ll pick you up at nine sharp tomorrow morning. Make sure to pack your bathing suit and anything else you want to bring to the beach.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”

“Then we’ll see you tomorrow,” Mr. Dalton replied with a smile, and he rounded the car to climb in the driver’s side.

Neil seized Charlie and shook him by the shoulders, his eyes glowing. “I don’t know how you did it, Slick, but my father said yes! I can’t believe it!” Neil said.

“Yeah, neither can I! But hey, you’re coming to Maine!”

They both laughed, then Neil grew sober. “For two weeks,” Neil added in a somber tone. “Then I have to go to summer school for chemistry.”

“Yeah, but two weeks is better than nothing,” Charlie pointed out.

Neil looked away and shrugged. “I guess,” he said vaguely, his expression falling.

God, Neil looked so glum for someone about to leave for a holiday. Charlie reached out and slung his arm around Neil’s shoulders. “Neil, you are going to love it at Old Orchard Beach. The pier in town has all sorts of things to do. And I can’t wait to show you our private beach! We are going to have a _bitchin_ time. It’ll be the best two weeks of your life. You’ll see.”

***

It rained non-stop the first three days.

A steady downfall began within minutes of arriving at the Dalton summer home on the outskirts of Old Orchard Beach. The clouds had looked menacing for almost the entire four hour car ride from Vermont, but Charlie was confident nothing would come of it. Except Charlie and Neil didn’t even have time to stash their gear in their room, before the sky split open and the rain fell in endless buckets. 

Neil stood at their shared bedroom window, palm flat against the glass. “That’s a lot of rain,” he said mildly, while Charlie privately fumed at the clouds for daring to – well, rain on his parade. “At least we’ll have the beach all to ourselves if this keeps up.”

“Do you think this is funny?” Charlie asked peevishly. “We’re literally drowning! It’s summer, it’s not supposed to rain.” He threw his empty bag into the closet with a thud, and slammed the door shut.

Neil shrugged one shoulder. “It happens, Slick, don’t let it rattle your cage.”

Charlie paused at the tone in Neil’s voice. He sounded off, Charlie thought, distracted like he was only going through the motions. Come to think of it, Neil had been like that the whole trip.

“Everything okay?” he asked, gently probing. “You want to talk about it?”

At that Neil turned around and smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Talk about what?”

“Whatever’s been bothering you all the way from Hellton.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Neil demurred, “I’m fine.”

Sure you are, Charlie thought, but he didn’t say it aloud. Instead he offered, “Let’s go downstairs and steal some food cause I’m starving. Then we’ll go to the beach even if it is a downpour. Let me show you around a bit of the town and the pier. I know some really nice and private hiding places there.” Charlie waggled his eyebrows.

Neil snorted back a laugh. “Okay.” But Charlie didn’t miss the brief, deep sadness that crossed his face before he grinned again. 

On the second day, the rain continued hard enough to keep them cooped up inside the beach house. Charlie tried his best to keep them occupied, going so far as to haul out all the family board games, checkers and chess and cards; but almost every fun activity at Old Orchard Beach happened outside. The one good inside activity he knew was tacitly off-limits with his parents and younger sister around all the time.

Except at night when the rest of the house was sound asleep. And Neil wasn’t interested in that either, to Charlie’s increasing puzzlement, and then impatience.

Late at night on the third day, Charlie invited himself into Neil’s bed and rolled on his side, peering down at him.

“Okay, man, I’ve had enough, it’s time to tell me what’s bugging you now,” he said firmly.

Neil groaned and flung his arm over his eyes. “Tell you what, Charlie? It’s late and I’m tired, go back to your own bed.”

“Come on, Neil, I’m not that dumb, I know something’s up,” Charlie said. “You’ve been moping for three days straight and I know it’s not just the crappy weather. I won’t take no for an answer. I swear I will tickle it out of you.” He fluttered his fingers over Neil’s stomach.

Neil slapped his hand away and scooted towards the wall. “Like hell you will.”

But something relented then; Neil looked up at the ceiling with a deep frown, and sighed after a long contemplation. “Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t want to tell you before. My father was talking to Headmaster Nolan before we left Hellton.”

Charlie’s stomach sank. “What about?”

Neil couldn’t meet his eyes. “Father’s asked for me to room with someone else next year.”

Charlie froze for a second, his heart dropping at the news. Well shit. This explains why Neil’s been so quiet the last few days, he thought. He couldn’t dwell on what it meant yet though; Neil looked thoroughly miserable, his eyes glassy as if he were ready to cry.

Neil probably wasn’t supposed to drop the bomb on him until after they got back to Hellton, either.

“He always thought I was a bad influence on you,” Charlie finally joked, careful to keep the hurt out of his voice.

Neil looked suitably scandalized. “Charlie, come on, you know my father has never said that about you--”

“He doesn’t need to.” Charlie shrugged as if he didn’t care. “It’s okay. No big deal. He’s right.”

“No, of course not! But it’s – this isn’t about you. It’s not. The Headmaster told Father that a new student was coming to Hellton this fall--”

“Well, poor guy whoever he is, that’s his first mistake.” Charlie smirked.

Neil didn’t return his grin, however. “He’s the younger brother of a recent valedictorian,” he continued in the same tone. “Father thinks he and I should room together next year, because we’ll have more things in common and we’re both hard workers. He wants me to befriend him and show him the ropes--”

“See, what did I say about me? Bad influence.”

Neil shook his head. “I don’t think you are, Slick.”

“That’s because you enjoy this too much.” Charlie rose on his elbow, leaned over and kissed Neil gently on the lips.

“Yeah, and you don’t know how much I’m gonna miss it,” Neil replied dully when Charlie pulled back. “Headmaster Nolan’s already approved Father’s request to switch roommates. I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry about that.”

Charlie clenched his fists, fighting the urge to scream as he tried to find something to say. “Not your fault,” he said finally through gritted teeth. “I just wish you’d told me earlier, you know?”

“I didn’t want to ruin your vacation. Look, Charlie, I didn’t ask for this, I _wanted_ to room with you again next year. You have to believe me.” Neil looked thoroughly defeated.

“Yeah, I know. I believe you.”

Neil closed his eyes and fell silent for a long moment, so long that Charlie wondered if he’d actually fallen asleep on him. He startled when Neil spoke. “It’s like – it’s like my father hates to see me happy at all. Every time I feel one iota of joy about anything, he has to stamp it out and make me as miserable as he is. He says it’s for my own good, but I don’t know how much longer I can take it.”

Neil looked away; Charlie swallowed back a lump of emotion, not quite believing what he’d just heard. God, Neil just admitted he was _happy_ being with him. And now Mr. Perry was going to make Neil give that happiness up. Give _him_ up. It wasn’t fair. He wanted to howl.

Neil’s lower lip wobbled dangerously, however, and Charlie pulled Neil onto his shoulder so Neil wouldn’t see his expression. He began to stroke his hair, awkwardly scrunching his fingers through Neil’s thick mop, trying to calm them both down.

“Hey. Hey,” he soothed, “you just have to get through senior year at Hellton now, man. One more year. Then you’ll have your pick of any college you want.”

“My father is dead set on Harvard,” Neil reminded him.

“Okay, so you’ll get a full ride scholarship, all expenses paid, to Harvard. Your dad can’t do anything once you’re there.” 

“It’s not like he won’t try,” Neil said quietly into his neck. “I still have to work my ass off.”

“Okay, sure, you’ll have to keep your grades up to keep the scholarship. Like that’s not hard for you. But he can’t tell you what to study, or who to stay with, or what extracurriculars you can take. He can’t demand anything. You’ll be home free.”

“He can kick me out of the house if I don’t obey his wishes. He can disown me.”

“And? The way I see it, that’s a good thing. You can live with me over the summers and holidays and I’ll be your bad influence all the time.”

Neil snorted a quick laugh and craned his neck up to meet his gaze. “You have everything planned out for me too, don’t you?”

“Not yet,” Charlie said, returning his chuckle, “I’m still working on it. I guarantee it’ll be a lot more fun though.”

He brushed another kiss against Neil’s lips. They kissed again, deeper and with more urgency, until Neil rolled them over so he was pressed between Charlie and the mattress.

Afterwards, Charlie sat up in bed deep in thought while dragging on a cigarette and watching Neil sleep sprawled out beside him. It wasn’t fair how Mr. Perry controlled every detail of Neil’s life. How he could tell Neil to jump and all Neil could do was ask how high. At least his own dad was letting him choose some things for himself, like his own college; part of him wondered if this was how Mr. Perry was making Neil pay for these two weeks away.

The rest of him wanted to fight back on Neil’s behalf, though he knew he was just as powerless as Neil to do anything, except offer his moral support.

He had to be realistic though: he always knew this was going to end sometime. He was amazed they’d lasted this long, given Hellton’s knack for punishing any hint of free expression. Especially given how Mr. Perry constantly rode Neil’s ass. Neil felt so thoroughly oppressed under his father’s thumb, he was completely helpless.

Neil wasn’t going to rebel, either, wasn’t going to put his neck out and risk anything.

Either way, it didn’t leave much room in Neil’s life for him anymore. The writing was on the wall. Neil would buckle down and room with the new guy, and become the valedictorian Mr. Perry always wanted.

He’d wanted one more year together as roommates but nope, that wasn’t gonna happen. Once Neil returned home from here, Charlie was certain this was it for them. By the time Neil was free of his father, Charlie thought, he and Neil would both have moved on.

But they had eleven more days together before they ended, he thought. Eleven days. A lot could happen in that time. Most of it completely unrealistic, but you never knew. So he was going to give Neil the best eleven days of his life. Something amazing for Neil to remember when he was anchored to his desk and drowning in textbooks and notes next year.

As long as this damn rain would stop--

No, they’d have the best time even if it rained enough in the next eleven days to rival the Biblical flood.

Charlie put out his cigarette in a small bowl on the night table beside Neil’s bed, and returned to his own bed, thinking of what to do. Just please let it stop raining tomorrow, he begged silently as he dropped off to sleep.

***

It had all started over a mock fight in their dorm room when Charlie decided to play keep away with Neil’s sweater one foggy November afternoon.

They’d been good friends since they first met in seventh grade, but hadn’t been assigned roommates until their junior year. Charlie didn’t know until much later that Mr. Dalton had requested the assignment, hoping that Neil’s work ethic would rub off on Charlie who had been just scraping by. His middling marks, even with Mr. Dalton’s influence, weren’t high enough to enter the Ivy League.

The arrangement worked; by mid-semester Charlie’s grades had picked up enough to have a fighting chance. On finding out, Charlie was in an exuberant mood when he returned from the library with a teetering stack of books for his Greek mythology essay due the next week.

When Charlie entered their dorm room that fateful day in junior year, he found Neil hunched over at his desk, studying his biology lab notes. He wore a navy blue cabled sweater draped over his shoulders against the slight chill in the room; a small pile of orange peel sat on a tissue on one corner of the desk. Neil had drawn and neatly labelled a diagram of a frog dissection. Charlie had already finished his in class.

Not thinking, Charlie glanced back and forth between boy and desk, then reached out and swiped Neil’s sweater off his shoulders.

Neil ripped his glasses off his face and scowled. “Hey! Dalton! What the hell?”

Charlie grinned and held the sweater out in front of him, just beyond Neil’s reach. “Want it back?”

“Yes, it’s cold in here, you jerk!”

“You gotta catch me first.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” Neil lunged, but Charlie leaped out of the way. He jumped onto his bed on the opposite side of the room, clutching the garment to his chest.

“Be careful, my mom made that. Give it back.” Neil stepped onto Charlie’s mattress too, crouching to avoid banging his head on the ceiling.

“Nah, this is too fun!” Charlie dropped onto the floor and leapt onto Neil’s bed. He sniffed the royal blue wool. “I wondered why it smelled like mothballs in here.”

“When I catch you I’m gonna--”

“What are you gonna do, Neil?” He strode two steps down the mattress and jumped off again.

“You’ll find out,” Neil said, and tackled him onto Charlie’s bed. Charlie gasped, the air knocked out of him; Neil sat on and pinned Charlie’s legs and loomed over him, his face in shadow. “Give it back now, Dalton.”

“You know, this is really really warm,” Charlie said. “I might have to try it on. You think it’ll fit me?”

“Just give it back, I don’t want it stretched out of shape.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Charlie dropped it safely onto the floor. “Fine. Done. Happy now?”

“No,” Neil said, grabbing Charlie’s wrists and pinning them above his shoulders. “No. Don’t ever try that again. Do you hear me?”

They glared at each other for a moment, then Charlie grinned and bucked up, trying to throw Neil off. 

“Hey!” Neil moved up with a feral smile of his own, straddling his hips to keep him down. “Say uncle and I’ll let you go,” Neil said.

Keep-away wrestling was an old game they’d played since seventh grade. Charlie continued to wriggle beneath Neil, trying to find a way to knock him off-balance. Neil had the advantage though, being on top, and he matched each movement with a strength Charlie hadn’t known he’d possessed before.

“Say uncle, Slick.”

“Like hell I will.” Charlie twisted and bucked upwards. “You say uncle first.” Neil barked a short laugh--

In an instant Charlie felt the sea change, the air around them crackle with tension, and he stilled.

Neil felt it too, and stopped, the smile falling off his face. What was happening? Charlie wondered, but couldn’t bring himself to speak aloud. Neil’s eyes looked a lot darker than before; they stared at each other for a long moment until Neil swallowed hard and he let up on the pressure exerted on Charlie’s wrists and hips, though still keeping him pinned on the bed.

He then licked his lips and leaned down, his eyes fluttering closed.

Charlie’s eyes widened to saucers as Neil loomed closer. He tried to utter “Neil?”, but his voice died in his throat, and he closed his eyes too in anticipation, just as Neil pressed his lips lightly against Charlie’s.

Neil’s lips were warm and soft and a bit chapped, and Charlie hummed with the kiss. He didn’t dare open his eyes, wary of what he might see; instead he found himself pressing back against Neil’s mouth in return. He could smell Neil’s soap and taste remnants of the orange Neil had just eaten. They traded light, tentative kisses back and forth until Neil captured his lower lip between his own, nibbling at it gently.

Charlie’s initial shock faded, replaced by a growing heat that spread from the pit of his stomach outwards, and his heartbeat roared in his ears. Was this even happening, he wondered distantly, then he answered himself, yes it is, you are lying on your bed kissing your best friend and roommate Neil Perry, and you are enjoying it. And from the urgency of Neil’s deepening kisses, Neil was too.

At that point Charlie did open his eyes, studying the downy fuzz just starting to sprout on Neil’s upper lip. A moment later, Neil ended the kiss and pulled back, somewhat dazed. Charlie watched Neil open his eyes, unfocused and even, Charlie would dare to say, dreamy.

“Hey,” Charlie said, feeling a bit lost in the moment himself.

Reality, then panic, crashed over Neil, and he released Charlie’s wrists and scrambled off of him. “Oh shit,” he whispered. “Oh shit, what have I done?”

What the hell? “Hey, Neil, what’s wrong--?” Charlie began, confused.

Neil shook his head. “I’m sorry, Slick,” he mumbled as he stood up, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” To Charlie’s utter surprise he fled the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Charlie listened to Neil’s footsteps pounding down the hall. Charlie pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes and groaned, part in disbelief that it had happened at all – and part in frustration because he hadn’t been ready to stop.

He wondered if he should chase after Neil, find out if he was okay. The guy was spooked.

He then reminded himself, if Neil ran off, he probably didn’t want to see you right now. Give him some space; he has to come back to their room sometime.

This really complicated things between them though, Charlie thought, more than a little sadly. Does it ever. Because Neil had meant that kiss, and it was clear he wasn’t sure how he felt about that yet.

Charlie reached over the side of the bed and picked up Neil’s discarded sweater from the floor. He brought the wool up to his nose and sniffed, losing himself in Neil’s faint scent for a minute. He still felt the phantom touch of Neil’s mouth lingering on his own. It was nice, if unexpected, and he certainly wasn’t mad that it had happened.

On the contrary. A big part of him wanted to do it again. Wanted to keep doing it, and maybe some other things too, and see where they’d end up.

Either way, he was determined to make sure it wasn’t going to change anything between them.

Neil might think things had changed, though. Maybe that’s why he took off like that, Neil was afraid that he would take it the wrong way. They’d all heard what happened between two juniors who’d got caught feeling each other up in a hall closet last year. Nolan had laid down the law at a special assembly. The two boys had been expelled.

His own dad would probably disown him and kick him out of the house, but he dreaded what Mr. Perry might do to Neil if he got kicked out of school, especially for fraternizing. Jeez. He had to let Neil know everything was okay and he’d never rat out his best friend.

Charlie folded Neil’s sweater neatly and set it on Neil’s pillow. He then picked up one of his Greek mythology texts about Alexander The Great and tried to read while he waited for Neil to return.

About an hour later, before dinner, Neil crept back to their dorm room. Charlie looked up expectantly when the door opened and he slipped inside, looking pale, but determined.

“Hey Neil, about earlier--” Charlie began.

“Yeah, about that. Charlie, I’ve been thinking about earlier, and we should just let that—that kiss—be a one-time thing, okay?” he said briskly. “Like it never happened.”

“Uh, sure,” Charlie replied slowly, “if that’s what you want.”

“It’s how it has to be,” Neil said, equably enough, but Charlie heard the barely concealed longing behind it. “Look, neither of us can afford--”

“I get it,” Charlie said. “It’s okay. Like it never happened.”

“Great. Thanks for understanding, Slick, I mean it,” Neil said gratefully. He held out his hand.

“No problem,” Charlie said. Solemn, they shook hands to settle the deal; but he doubted either of them would be able to set that kiss aside just like that. He guessed only time would tell.

***

The fourth morning at the beach house, when Charlie woke up, Neil was gone from his bed.

“Neil?” Charlie called out groggily, “you there?”

He waited, thinking Neil might have been in the bathroom or upstairs hall, but there was no reply. Sunlight streamed through the spaces between the window and curtains. Charlie rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, then noticed Neil’s suitcase wide open on his perfectly made-up bed.

Huh, the rain had stopped at least. Still yawning, Charlie pulled on last night’s T-shirt and jeans, stuffed his pack of cigarettes and matches in his pocket, and stumbled downstairs to the kitchen, where his mother sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee and a newspaper.

Charlie padded to the fridge and grabbed a carton of orange juice, then a glass from the cupboard.

“Mom, have you seen Neil this morning?”

She looked up from her newspaper. “He’s outside, honey, on the beach.”

“Already?” By himself? he added silently, downing the juice in one long gulp. He poured a second glass.

“He said something about how this was the perfect time to build a sandcastle. He’s been there over an hour already.”

Sandcastles? he thought, puzzled. Charlie drained the second glass then set it in the sink and grabbed an apple turnover. “I guess I’m going to the beach then,” he said.

“Oh, I found some extra pails for Neil to use, so take those with you. They’re stacked on the porch,” she said mildly, then turned back to her paper.

“Sure,” he said through a mouthful of pastry.

The clouds had cleared right out and the sky was perfectly clear after the rain washed everything clean and bright. He picked up the pile of pails of assorted sizes and picked his way through the sand to their private section of the beach. The sand felt damp and cool under his bare feet; he wished he’d remembered his sandals. The air was warm though, and he figured everything would dry out and heat up quickly.

Sunlight glittered off the waves rolling in from the ocean and reflected off the sand, casting Neil in silhouette as he knelt on the sand, moulding a tower. There was already one fully-formed, multi-tower castle and what appeared to be the beginnings of a moat. He’s been busy, Charlie thought. He wondered if Neil would rather not want to be disturbed, but then his pails clinked together in his grip, and Neil looked up at the sound.

“Hey, sleepyhead, about time you got up.”

“Get bent,” Charlie retorted.

Neil grinned widely. Grains of sand had blown into Neil’s hair and stuck to his skin, glinting in the light. He looked happier than Charlie had seen him in awhile. “Thanks for bringing the pails,” Neil added, nodding at his hands. “Want to help?”

Privately, Charlie thought building sandcastles was only something for little kids, but after last night he didn’t want to tease Neil about anything he enjoyed no matter what he thought of it. “Nah, I’ll supervise,” he replied breezily, setting the empty pails down beside Neil.

“Suit yourself,” Neil said with a shrug, and took one of the smaller pails, scooping sand into it with a garden trowel. “You know, this is the perfect sand for building. Not too dry and not too wet.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Too much water washes the sand away, and too little water makes the sand crumble under the slightest touch,” Neil said matter-of-factly.

Charlie looked around, and found a place to sit down away from the construction. He lit a cigarette and watched Neil continue to work. He was completely consumed by it, filling pails and upending them and moulding the sand piles with his long, elegant fingers. He was good at it, too, the way he excelled at everything he touched.

But something in the set of his face bothered Charlie and he wasn’t sure why. There was joy there, a lot of it, but also a wistfulness. Then he recognized it: it was the same expression that he had sometimes after they’d spent the night together, like he didn’t deserve to feel so happy. Charlie remembered what Neil had said about his father the night before, and shook his head.

“So why sandcastles?” Charlie ventured, curious.

Neil didn’t look up. “I used to build them all the time when I was little. I had a sandbox at home as a kid. Mom showed me how to make sand sculptures. She would help me until I got old enough to shape the sand on my own. And Father would sometimes take us to one of the state beaches on a day trip as a treat. We’d build whole cities of sand. It was fun. Really fun.”

He grabbed a stick and drew out a rough sketch on a flat area for the next phase of work. “When I turned six, Father thought I was too old to play in the sand anymore. So he removed the sandbox and refused to let me build castles at the beach. He said I needed to play with the other boys.”

“What the hell?” Charlie gawked at Neil, aghast. “Jesus, you were _six_. Why is your father such a hard-ass?”

Neil looked up. “It doesn’t matter. He only wants the best for me. He was right, I had to learn to get along with others.”

Charlie ached at how straightforward Neil sounded about it, and felt guilty himself at dismissing sandcastles outright. “Do you want some help now?” Charlie asked, thinking he should make it up somehow. “Just remember I haven’t built anything in years.”

“You can fill and pack the pails for me if you want. That takes most of the time.”

“Sure, I can do that.” Charlie extinguished his cigarette and stood up to grab several pails. Within two hours they’d built a full moat with four watchtowers, and a second opposing castle with turrets. Neil didn’t seem in a mood to talk, so Charlie kept mostly quiet; even so, he found himself enjoying working together.

When they finished, they stood back to admire their work. “That’s impressive,” Charlie pronounced. “Really something.”

“Isn’t it?” Neil looked shyly pleased.

“Hell yeah! Want me to run up to the house and grab my mom’s camera?” Charlie offered; a picture of his work might cheer Neil up later.

Neil shook his head. “You don’t have to. Sandcastles aren’t meant to be permanent,” he said. “You build them and you admire them, and then you knock them down like they were never there.”

“Yeah, but this amount of effort? Indulge me,” Charlie said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Charlie ran back to the house and returned with the Polaroid Model 95, to see Neil standing over their work, looking proud of himself; happy and with no sign of guilt for what had to have been a very long time. For the first time Charlie understood how lucky he was, that his family didn’t pin all their hopes and dreams on him the way Neil’s did.

“Say cheese,” Charlie announced, and snapped the first of several photos of Neil with his finished work. He took photos until the roll was empty, of Neil grinning and posing with his masterpiece; they then spent several glorious minutes gleefully stomping out all traces of their make-believe world.

***

As hard as he tried afterwards, Charlie could not forget that stolen November kiss.

Most days at Hellton he could temporarily put it out of his mind, simply because schoolwork was just too intense. One thing you could not do when rooming with Neil Perry was slack off. The memory was never far away, however, and it always seemed to catch Charlie at the most inopportune time. He’d find himself staring at Neil, entranced by a turn of his head or the timbre of his laugh, and he’d have to give his head a shake to get back on task.

Or he’d remember it late at night, when Charlie desperately hoped Neil wasn’t listening in on him beating off in the dark.

And sometimes he looked over at Neil, to catch him staring with poorly suppressed longing, and Charlie knew Neil was having just as rough a time not thinking about it.

But he’d promised, and they’d shaken hands, so Charlie supposed they’d just have to suffer through their shared look-but-don’t-touch purgatory in mutual silence for the rest of the school year.

It wasn’t until Neil had his nightmare when they could finally stop pretending.

It was January, just after they’d returned from the Christmas holidays. Charlie could normally slumber through a hurricane. After the kiss though, he’d become keenly attuned to Neil’s presence, and often stirred briefly at his snuffles or thuds when he kicked the mattress in his sleep.

Two nights after they got back, however, Neil’s usual quiet nighttime sounds ratcheted up to thrashing, moans, and half-mumbled, indecipherable words. Charlie startled awake, and realized that Neil would wake the whole floor if he didn’t quiet down.

Before he could jump from his bed though, Neil was already at Charlie’s bedside, shaking him wildly.

“Slick? Slick! Answer me!”

“Neil, buddy, come on man, you gotta settle down,” he murmured, trying to calm him. “The floor’s gonna kill us if you don’t shut up.”

He grabbed Neil’s shoulders, hoping he’d get the point. Then Neil did startle awake—fully awake—and stared wide-eyed and blank at him.

“That you, Slick?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Good. Don’t leave.” Neil panted like he’d been running.

What had Neil’s nightmare been about? “Not going anywhere,” he soothed.

“Promise you won’t leave. Promise!”

Charlie was growing worried. “Promise, I’m here, I won’t leave.”

The next thing he knew, Neil flopped down beside him under the covers, where he wrapped himself around Charlie like a deranged octopus, trembling wildly.

“Want me to go get Dr. Hager?” Charlie asked, trying very hard to suppress an urge to panic now.

“No, no, just don’t leave,” Neil insisted.

“Okay, I won’t.” Jeez, Neil’s heart pounded a crazy fast tattoo. “Wanna tell me about it?”

“No,” Neil muttered, and clung even harder. “Just don’t go anywhere.”

Charlie rubbed Neil’s back in small circles, wondering what brought this on. He’d never had to deal with this before; naybe he should fetch Dr. Hager anyway. But every time he shifted, Neil held on tighter. He was just gonna have to wait this out, then grill Neil later about what was going on.

He laid there thinking about anything but what was happening, until Neil’s breathing and heartbeat slowed and the trembling stilled some minutes later. Finally, Charlie thought with a yawn, maybe they could get back to sleep soon--

The next thing he knew, Neil rolled them over onto Charlie’s back, his whole body flush against him.

Charlie could feel him straining underneath the thin fabric of his pyjamas. “Uhm,” Charlie said, clearing his throat, “what are you doing?” 

They stared at each other, and Charlie felt that same crackle of tension from last time. But Neil didn’t release him, or climb off. Instead he slowly, deliberately, rocked his hips as he lay on top of him, sliding back and forth against Charlie’s groin.

“Neil?” Charlie murmured, his mouth suddenly dry.

Neil shook his head, eyes squeezed tightly shut; his jaw clenched, but not in pain. Charlie felt his blood rush south and he twitched against Neil through their pyjama pants. With a pleasant jolt he found himself arching back too, relishing the heat pooling, the sensation of Neil moving on top of him. 

They probably should stop before it went too far, but Charlie closed his own eyes to focus on the keen, pulsing ache instead, because God, the friction was just _amazing_. This was so much better than furtively beating off under the sheets late at night; it was almost as nice as that time with Belinda last year, by the jetty at their summer beach home--

No, this was _nicer_. Hell, he’d been craving this all along. And he couldn’t believe that _Neil_ was making him feel like this. He hoped Neil felt the same way; he nudged Neil faster, angling for better contact. Neil leaned down, groaned wantonly in his ear, and rubbed against him even harder.

It didn’t last long. Neil arched upwards and gasped, his mouth an ‘o’ of utter bliss, and seconds later, Charlie did too, sighing as relief flooded his body.

“Damn it,” Neil stammered when it was over, and his cheeks flushed bright red. “Damn it, I didn’t mean--”

“Neil, wait--” Charlie began, reaching out to him, “it’s okay.”

Neil shook his head and clambered off, not looking at Charlie at all. He soundlessly opened the drawer to his chest on his side of the room to pull out some clean pyjamas. Charlie raised himself on one elbow to watch Neil change swiftly and climb back into his own bed. He burrowed himself under the covers and rolled over to face the wall, his back hunched.

Charlie flopped back onto the mattress and rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Dammit, here we go again. Just when he believed he’d finally accepted that their past kiss was really going nowhere, _this_ happened--

Did he and Neil just rub each other off?

Yeah, they did, he thought, shifting his legs. Shit, he was gonna have to change, too, he was starting to feel uncomfortably sticky.

But God, it had felt fucking wonderful. Every single minute in Neil’s arms was something like he’d never dreamed possible.

Did this mean--? Was he—were they both--?

Did it matter?

His gut instinct said no, it didn’t matter to him. The important thing was whether it mattered to Neil.

Charlie rose too, shimmied out of his pyjama bottoms, wiped himself off and pulled on clean underwear from his own chest of drawers. He then crossed the room to sit on the edge of Neil’s bed. He reached out to touch his shoulder; Neil was shaking.

“Go away, Dalton,” Neil said dully, “I just want to sleep.”

Charlie ignored him and climbed in under the sheets to curl around Neil. “Can’t get rid of me that easy.”

Neil tensed, but Charlie pressed his cheek to the nape of his neck until slowly, slowly, Neil relaxed again and sank back against Charlie’s body. At first Charlie thought Neil had drifted off, until he spoke into the darkness to the wall.

“So what do we do now, Slick?”

Charlie huffed, his mind whirring. “What do you want to do? Wanna stop, wanna keep going? It’s up to you, man. But I wanna keep going. See where this takes us.”

Neil hoisted himself up on his elbow and turned over to face Charlie, his features haunted in the half light. “Me too. That’s the first time something felt right for me.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“You remember what happened last year. I don’t want us to end up like that.”

Charlie’s mouth twisted: don’t remind me, he thought, last year’s assembly had rattled him too and Neil had every right to worry. Aloud he said bravely, “Yeah, but it’s different for us. We’re already roommates so we don’t have to sneak around. We should be okay if we don’t draw attention to ourselves. That’s where Carl and Andy messed up. They were too loud and got caught.”

“Charlie--”

“This can work for us, Neil. I’m sure it will. If you want it to.” So please say yes, he added to himself.

Another fraught silence followed as Neil considered. “That would mean you’d actually have to stay quiet for once,” he replied, and chuckled when Charlie scowled at him.

“Me? Look who’s talking. I am the king of shutting up when needs must,” Charlie protested.

Neil shifted again, studying Charlie with such burning intensity that it seemed to bore through to his very soul. “I don’t want to get you in trouble. Hell, I don’t want to get me in trouble,” he murmured.

“So we won’t get in trouble,” Charlie assured him. “What’s it gonna be?”

Neil’s sigh was perhaps the longest Charlie had ever heard in his life. “All right. Yes.”

“You won’t regret it,” Charlie said, excitedly leaning in to kiss him.

Neil returned the kiss hungrily, and they clung to each other for awhile. When the kiss ended, Neil was grinning. “We need to be careful, Slick, we have to set some rules down,” he mused, “about where and when and all that.”

“Yeah, sure, we can lay ground rules if you want.” Charlie yawned, and then added, “Tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Neil said, and yawned himself. Charlie shifted and threw the covers off, intending to return to his own bed, but Neil reached out to grab his elbow. “Stay awhile,” Neil said.

Charlie smiled widely. “Thought you’d never ask,” he said, and settled back down.

Sleeping together made the rest of junior year at Hellton bearable. Neither of them knew exactly what to do; Charlie assumed they’d figure it out as they went along. Both took great care not to break their set rules to avoid detection: only in their dorm room after all the studying and essays and assignments were finished; only at night, when everyone else was asleep; after Dr. Hager’s eleven o’clock bed checks; always return to their own beds afterwards, just in case. For the most part, they did figure it out; Charlie would always remember the first time they brought each other off under the covers, the fullness of Neil in his fist when he pushed into his hand and his wide-eyed gasp.

And to their delight, and relief, their plan worked. None of the other boys, their teachers, or their parents were the wiser. If anything, Charlie’s grades improved even more, and Neil became more self-assured. Knowing that they could turn to each other when they needed, the months flew faster than either of them expected.

***

From the fourth day of their vacation on, the weather was nothing less than perfect.

Charlie was privately thankful that everything was finally working out to give Neil the best time ever. They spent most of their free time either at the beach, swimming or sunbathing, poking around tidal pools at the marsh or burying each other neck-deep in the sand; or at the Pier in town, running into his summer friends from previous years and hanging out at the Amusement Center.

A week after they arrived, Mr. Dalton took Neil and Charlie out on Saco Bay on his Owens cruiser for a day of water-skiing off the coast. Mr. Dalton taught Neil how to drive, and they each spun around the bay a few times before each took turns being towed on lightweight skis behind the bright red boat.

Charlie did his best to keep them both occupied so they wouldn’t have time to dwell on the rapidly dwindling days they had left to spend together. Nights were the hardest, though. More than once after they wore each other out, while contemplating in the dark before he fell asleep, Charlie would catch himself fighting a profound sense of impending loss, something he’d never felt until now.

It took Charlie awhile to figure out why. Neil wasn’t his first, he’d dated a few girls before him, and it wasn’t like Neil was leaving Hellton for good and he was sure they’d remain friends... so why did he feel like his world was gonna end forever the minute Neil went home?

The answer was simple, and a few days later, again late at night after a long day messing around at the Pier, it punched him in the gut.

He’d liked those other girls to be sure, they’d had a good time.

But Neil was his first true love. That made all the difference.

And in four more days, Neil would leave their Maine paradise and no longer be his to keep.

Shit. _Shit_.

Charlie bolted from his bed, fled the room and let himself outside as quietly as possible, jumping the balcony railing. As soon as his bare feet hit cool sand, he ran to the jetty near the edge of their private beachfront property, where he climbed onto the rocks to perch at the very tip.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, his hands wrapped around his knees and staring blankly at the indigo-black ocean, until a soft voice intruded from behind him.

“What’s going on, Slick?”

Charlie sniffed and rubbed his eyes with his fist. “Isn’t it obvious yet that I love you?”

Neil sighed and picked his way over the rocks to sit beside him. Charlie watched from the corner of his eye as Neil gazed straight out at the indigo waves rolling towards the shore.

“Yeah, it is,” Neil said softly, blinking in the wind. “I love you too, Charlie.”

Just not enough to try to make it work next year, Charlie thought, then realized with a guilty start, he wasn’t being fair. Neil would if he could in a heartbeat. “I know,” Charlie replied instead with a shaky grin and a shrug, “I know you do.”

Neil swallowed and tried to speak, but Charlie cut him off. “You don’t need to say anything, I get it,” he added.

Neil nodded, then scooted over to put an arm around him. Charlie leaned on his shoulder and exhaled. Neil reciprocated his feelings, he thought, that’s what matters. At least he had that to cling to. They sat on the jetty in silence for a long time.

On the first day of July, just three days before Neil was due to leave, Charlie realized Neil was going to miss the Independence Day festivities at Old Orchard Beach. He decided they should do something equally as spectacular as the town fireworks show as a goodbye gift. Something public, for all their friends, and something private for just the two of them.

The public spectacle was easy to think of. “I know what we can do so you don’t miss July Fourth,” he said that very afternoon, after they’d spent hours swimming and checking out girls and chasing each other in the ocean waves at the public beach.

“And what’s that, Dalton?”

“We’re gonna build the biggest bonfire Old Orchard Beach has ever seen,” Charlie said gleefully. His bangs flopped into his eyes as he pushed forward through the sand towards the brush line. “So big that everyone in town’s gonna want to come out to watch.”

“Is that wise?”

“Duh, we’re at an ocean! You use sand and water to put out flames!”

Neil looked conflicted at the idea. “Where do you plan to hold it? Don’t you need some kind of permit?”

Charlie pointed to the shore. “The beach of course. Only place for it. And no, I don’t think so as long as we use a fire pit. Come on, start gathering branches and driftwood. The more the better. We’ll start it at dusk after the adults go home for the night.”

Neil grinned and shook his head in admiration. “Is this what passes for public entertainment here?”

“You know me, any excuse for a party.”

Neil scanned the tree line, and pointed at a spot several yards away. “There’s a lot of dead wood near that clearing that looks good for burning.” He headed over towards the stand of pines, his feet slipping in the sand.

Word spread fast, and soon a handful of local and tourist teens joined Neil and Charlie to gather fuel and set up the party. Within an hour they amassed an impressive pile of branches, sticks, and logs of assorted sizes.

One of the local girls in their group, Jenny, kept stealing unmistakably longing glances at Neil. He didn’t notice Jenny’s attention, but Charlie did, and a surge of jealousy rose in his chest. He squashed it down, however; he didn’t dare reveal any of his feelings for Neil around anyone here. Hiding his emotions at Hellton had been hard enough and would be even harder next year.

He hated how he had to grit his teeth when Jenny struck up a conversation with Neil later that afternoon while they sorted their wood collection into tinder, kindling, and fuel. Neil for his part seemed interested in her too; once or twice Charlie scowled at him, a silent entreaty to stop flirting. But then Neil gave him a look that said don’t worry, and Charlie realized he had no need to be jealous.

They laid old bricks and stones for the circular base, and set up the tinder and kindling piles while some of the local teens brought saws to cut the fuel logs. Somehow a hibachi and a picnic table appeared, and cooler containing wieners and cold drinks, and bags of buns and marshmallows, along with a radio playing top forty hits. Charlie watched fondly as Neil couldn’t help but look around in awe and wonder at how everyone worked together. Two boys kept an eye on the wind direction; a few others set up a bucket brigade to haul water from the ocean if needed.

Dusk started at about eight o’clock, and at that point, the bonfire wood was ready to be lit.

“Wanna do the honours?” Charlie said, passing Neil his book of matches and a long stick wrapped with cotton.

“Let’s get this fire started,” Neil said, and lit the cotton. He touched it to the tinder at the centre of the tripod, and watched as it ignited and licks of flames rose to set off the kindling. Cheers erupted when the fire reached the fuel and began to engulf the entire structure. Someone turned up the radio to start an impromptu dance party.

Neil threw his head back and laughed, and Charlie came up behind him, lifting him off the ground.

“Hey!”

“Told you this was gonna be great!” Charlie yelled in his ear over the din of music and crackling flames as he set him down again. “Now aren’t you glad you came with me to Old Orchard Beach?”

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!” Neil shouted back. “This is fantastic!” He tilted his head back and whooped up towards the sky. Charlie joined him, and then some of the other boys, until everyone had formed a ring around the bonfire and screamed and danced to the rhythm of the flames.

***

The private party happened on Neil’s and Charlie’s last night together at Old Orchard Beach.

The late afternoon, winding its way to evening, was clear and warm and quiet. And it was actually kind of romantic, Charlie thought, the two of them alone together on their deserted private beach just before the sun set. His parents and sister had gone off to visit friends in town, so they had the run of the whole place without any potential interference.

It was the night before Neil would board the bus to go home tomorrow. Mr. Perry had insisted on at least paying for the return ticket, as Charlie would remain for the rest of the summer.

They lay side by side on their towels on the still-warm sand, the mild ocean breeze laden with salt wisping over them. Charlie couldn’t shake a nagging sense of melancholy, though he tried his best to conceal it from Neil. It seemed very much like the nostalgia he always felt at the end of summer at having to leave Old Orchard Beach and return to Hellton, but somehow this felt more final.

Because it was. When they met up again seven weeks from now, it would all be different between them.

Neil stared up at the sky, gazing dreamily beyond the few high clouds above to a place Charlie could only imagine. He wondered just what Neil saw up there that was so appealing. Freedom would be his first three guesses. Though he really hoped it was them, together, some day in the future.

“This has been the best trip,” Neil said softly. “I can’t remember the last time when I had this much fun.”

“Well, I do my best,” Charlie said with a smirk, “I’m the host with the most.”

Neil chuckled at that, then his easy grin faded. “I wish things were different,” he continued, “I wish I didn’t have to go home tomorrow. I wish I didn’t have to go home at all. I don’t want this to end.”

“It doesn’t have to end, you can always stay on,” Charlie said hopefully. “Call your dad and say you’re just not coming back home until school starts.”

“You know I can’t do that, Slick. I’m lucky I got this much.”

Charlie sighed heavily. “Yeah, I know, but it was worth a shot.” Charlie punched his shoulder, then he reached into his bag beside him to withdraw a pack of cigarettes and box of matches. He lit one, watching the red ember flare at the tip. “If it helps, I don’t want you to go either.”

“You really do like trying to get me in trouble,” Neil added, teasing.

“Which never happens, cause you’re Mister Goody Two Shoes and you never bite.” He took a long drag from his cigarette and passed it over to Neil, who did the same.

“So why do you keep trying?”

“I don’t know. One day I figure you’ll let loose, and when you do I want to be there to witness it. It would be wicked keen.”

“Let loose? More than I do with you now?”

“I mean, be your own man.”

“I won’t be my own man til I’m a doctor and on my own.” The words dripped bitterly and Neil took another drag.

“I guess I have to settle for you right now.” Charlie grinned crookedly. “With me. What d’you think?”

Neil raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Here? In the open?” He passed the cigarette back.

Charlie looked around on the sand, then reached for a smooth rock and stubbed the cigarette out on it. He jumped to his feet and held out his hand. “I’ll show you,” he said. “Been saving this place for last.”

Neil grabbed his arm and Charlie pulled him up to standing. They traipsed down the beach towards the jetty, leaving their towels and bag behind to pick up later. “Hope you don’t mind your feet getting wet,” he said when they were about halfway there. “And we’ll have to stand, there’s no place to sit, but this really is the best spot for making out and other stuff. It’s totally private.”

They reached the jetty, and Charlie led Neil about a third of the way out along the pile of rocks, wading through knee-deep water to a small, almost invisible opening, with a completely enclosed space within it. “Here we are. I’m the only one who knows about it.”

Neil peered at it. “Wow. This is really cool.”

“Yeah, I found it while climbing on the rocks a few years back. I have never seen anyone else in or around it since. It’s like it’s been forgotten. Except by yours truly, of course.”

Neil shone his pocket flashlight inside. It was the size of a small closet, large enough to fit two or three people comfortably. “Is this like a smuggler’s cave or something?”

“That’s exactly what it is. But I like to think of it as a love cave.” Charlie grinned a goofy, lopsided smile, and Neil shook his head, rolling his eyes with amusement.

“Oh my God, you’re incorrigible,” Neil said. “Won’t this fill up at high tide?”

“Yeah, but we’re nowhere near that time yet. It’s fine. Let’s go inside.” Charlie felt his breath quicken. “I want you to do something.”

They entered the cave and stood in the middle facing each other. “So what do you want me to do?” Neil asked, his voice sounding reedy.

Charlie closed the distance and pulled him into a kiss, plunging his tongue into his mouth. They kissed hungrily for a minute, clutching at each other, then Charlie ran his hands down Neil’s sides. His breath caught as Neil’s whole body quivered in anticipation.

“I want you to fuck me,” Charlie whispered.

Neil’s eyes widened; he exhaled shakily, looking uncertain. “Slick, I – ”

“We rub off like the ancient Greeks,” Charlie clarified. He’d thought about it, ever since they’d arrived at their summer home, how they might do this for the last time, and this seemed to be the best answer. “Like we’re Alexander and Hephaestion.”

Neil swallowed, and nodded. “Or Achilles and Patroclus.”

Charlie grinned and pulled his shorts down to his knees; he was already hard, his cock jutting out and straining.

“Wow,” Neil said again, and followed his lead, revealing his own rapidly engorging member. They reached for each other and stroked, kissing deeply with increasing zeal until they both trembled.

Charlie turned around and bent over, steadying himself on a waist-high rock ledge. “Now, Neil,” he begged, parting his thighs for access. “Hurry.”

“Yeah.” Neil spat on his hand and coated himself, wiped his hand on his shorts, then gripped Charlie’s hips. He slid in between, where the skin was damp and warm and soft, at the top of Charlie’s thighs. Both of them groaned at the sensation.

“Oh man,” Neil breathed, “oh man.”

“Keep going,” Charlie ordered, “don’t stop.”

Neil obliged, testing different angles and rhythms and speeds, Charlie pushing back and urging him on, until he found the sweet spot and began to thrust into his thighs in earnest. Charlie’s blood pounded through his entire body, throbbed between his legs, roared in his ears. They were finally doing it for real, he thought in a haze, and he couldn’t believe it; after months of furtive necking and petting in relative silence at Hellton, he let himself hum and moan and gasp freely. Soon Neil did too, and they panted and swore together.

“Faster,” Charlie begged. “Is this all you got?”

Neil obeyed, and soon everything began to shimmer at the edges of his vision. Charlie ached to be touched, or touch himself, but he had to work to keep his balance for both of them. Neil grunted with each plunge between, harder and more desperate until he almost sobbed.

“God, oh god, oh godohgodohgod _Slick_ \--” he began, and ended with one long, deep moan of release. 

Charlie felt Neil shudder and his inner thighs grew warm and sticky. “Yeah, that’s it,” Charlie encouraged, “fuck yeah, that’s it.”

“Slick, oh Slick,” Neil murmured, resting on top of him as his aftershocks faded.

Then Charlie whimpered at how hard, how close he was himself, and he blindly grabbed one of Neil’s hands to pull it around him. Neil almost stumbled, but got the point, and he reached out quickly, closing his fist around Charlie and tugging. Charlie groaned as his own climax exploded behind his eyes and coursed through his body.

Then it was over, and they both shivered in the suddenly cool, damp sea air. Neil leaned his cheek on Charlie’s shoulder, and Charlie could feel his heart racing next to his own.

“We did it,” Neil said, in equal parts awe and disbelief. “Oh God, I can’t believe we did it.” They both laughed. “You never cease to amaze me, Slick.”

“So how’s this for a last night finale?”

“Completely unexpected,” Neil admitted. “And completely amazing.”

“Something to remember?”

“Oh yeah.” He raised himself off, and stepped back to allow Charlie some room. He looked down at the back of Charlie’s thighs. “Sorry for the mess,” he added, and giggled. “I guess we’re going to have to clean up.”

“Easy peasy. We have an entire ocean to do that,” Charlie said. “A sunset swim outside, before we head back?”

“You’re on.”

“After you.” They pulled their shorts back up and exited the hidden alcove, frog-kicking their way back to the shore to wash up. They returned to their towels and settled down again to watch the sky darken in companionable silence, as the sun set behind them before heading back.

***

The Greyhound bus had already pulled into the station by the time Neil and Charlie arrived. Several other travellers, waiting to head back to the city, milled about the outdoor summer boarding platform, enjoying the warm early July sun.

Running late, the boys had to rush through the ticket line, reaching the platform just as the loudspeaker announced the first boarding call to Vermont.

“Too bad you can’t stay for the July Fourth party tomorrow night,” Charlie said. “Fireworks on the beach are always something.”

“Summer school starts on Monday,” Neil said. “Father’s already been generous enough to let me stay this long, I don’t want to push my luck.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Charlie blinked rapidly, feeling their last minutes together tick away. Neil peered at him, his face soft, and he clapped his shoulder.

“Hey, Slick. You know we’ll still be friends, right?” Neil said, staring down the platform as the breeze ruffled his hair.

“Sure,” Charlie agreed with a flash of a grin. God, this was so much harder than he’d ever thought. “Course we will. I’ll drop by your room and razz you and the new guy about how hard you work. And you’ll bum all my cigarettes. Wonder if the new guy smokes too.”

“It’s only seven weeks til fall semester starts,” Neil said. “Then we’ll be down the hall from each other in the same dorm. And there’ll always be study group.”

“At least I won’t have to smell your funky farts at night anymore,” Charlie said.

“Hey, I don’t fart,” Neil protested.

“I’m gonna ask the new guy to take a sample of air from under your blanket and then we’ll see who’s right about that.”

They both laughed at the absurdity, then Charlie looked at him earnestly. “I’m here for you, Neil,” Charlie said, “whenever you need me. You know that, right?”

“Me too. Still best friends?” Neil sniffed, then extended his hand.

“Always best friends.” Charlie grabbed his hand and shook it, then pulled him in a tight hug. “See you in August. Don’t blow up any labs at summer school.”

“You too, Slick. I wanna hear about all your summer adventures. Have some for me too.”

Charlie squeezed his eyes shut, aching at Neil’s husky murmur. He desperately wanted to hold on, not let Neil go. He wanted to kiss him in full view of everyone and yell ‘I love you,’ loud enough so the rest of the town could hear it. He wanted to take him back to the beach and the jetty, for the rest of the summer, for the rest of his life. He wanted and yearned for so many things; instead he did the hardest thing he’d ever known. He pulled back and released Neil just as the loudspeaker announced the final boarding call to Burlington.

“You’ll be late for your ride,” he said, his throat aching, “better run to catch it.”

“Yeah. Take care, Charlie. See you back at Hellton.”

“See you.”

Neil picked up his leather satchels and swallowed, nodded, and turned towards the driver waiting impatiently for him beside the luggage compartment. Charlie stood alone on the platform, slouched casually with hands in his pockets, grateful that his sunglasses hid the water in his eyes. He watched Neil hand over his bags and climb the steps to board the coach; and stayed until long after the Greyhound pulled out of the station.


End file.
